I just don’t understand, I don’t understand life, I don’t understand anything. I have days where I miss Lake Braddock and days where I’m absolutely glad to be gone. Do you guys know the one thing I like about this new school? I’m actually noticed for once. People say hi to me in the hallways. People are nice to me. I have not have one single negative thought about myself in this school, so that makes me think.
For the longest time, I blamed myself for being horrible, for being not pretty enough or not skinny enough or not being as funny enough to have real friends. But, if I really were those things, then I’d think about them constantly. It made me realize, it’s not my fault I wasn’t noticed and I wasn’t accepted. It was the school’s. You may think you’re the nicest person at Lake Braddock, but in the end, I’ve met nicer here. I think there are a few who I could call nice at that school. Hell, even I wasn’t nice in Lake Braddock.
Everyone accepts everyone in Lake Braddock, but there’s always gossip and drama and terrible comments being made. I’m not saying that my new school isn’t like that, but to be completely honest, they have a lot more class than Lake Braddock students could ever achieve. I can talk to anyone in my new school. Sure, we wouldn’t have anything to say but we’d be friendly to each other.
Guys, here, have class, well most do, and respect girls and can actually date girls who have a normal pants size, yes everyone, I mean above a size 0. Shocking right?
Everyone compliments everyone here. So, back to my question, was it really me who was fueling the negative thoughts?
Or was it a school filled with self-centered, spoiled people who need to have the ‘upper’ hand in everything? People who were able to hate people for no reason or for a stupid reason. People who were able to think so negatively of myself that I became depressed and wondered why in the fucking world would God want me to live? I’m no one special. No one cares about me.
And if people cared, they had a funny way of showing it. And I don’t mean ‘oh I’ll miss you, Brianna when you’re gone!’ …Oh yeah? How come I haven’t heard from you since that exact moment?
Do you know that I every time something comes up in my life, I wish I could talk to someone? I told two people from Lake Braddock and you know what? I wish I had told more but I didn’t feel comfortable telling you. Either for one reason or another. I just couldn’t bring myself to do that. Now, that means, I’m not comfortable with you. Or if I just stopped talking to you, I probably just finally gave up. Saw how hard it was to keep in touch. I think I only bother Roya and Jasmine nowadays because they’ll eventually answer, no one else ever does.
I just… I don’t understand how horrible people could be unless I moved away.
People in Lake Braddock can go screw themselves, oh wait, they can just get someone to screw with instead. Afterall, people are more willing to have sex.