Bitter Blue Skies

Perfection: The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects

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There’s a huge reason why I don’t like having a lot of people in my close friend group. I hate being around more than 7 people at a time unless I’ve known them for awhile aka all my high school friends. It gives me anxiety. It causes so much drama, too. And when drama occurs, even if I’m not technically involved, it stresses me out. I constantly think about the what could happens and see if there’s anything I can do. I want everyone to get along. But, when we have a tell-all session with some people and things get said that affect me, it affects me. I’m a human being, I’m not some robot like some people say. I’ve been hurt too many times by people I love that I want to stay away. I try to stay away but in reality, I still love them with all my heart even if I get called a ‘bitch’ ‘cause I “can’t” comfort someone. Maybe comforting someone is taking a huge risk for me. When I comfort someone, I comfort with my whole heart. I try to make them laugh, I try to make them smile. I become vulnerable, too. I open up and makes me panic. 

Having an inkling that people talk about me is one thing. I can control that. I can accept it but knowing that people who I honestly call as friends bring up shit that I’ve done? That’s not okay. That makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel uncomfortable and it makes me feel like “Oh, that’s okay? Alright, here’s all the things you do that I don’t like either” And I get frustrated. I get so frustrated and I hate it because I know they’re good people inside. They wouldn’t’ honestly hurt me, but they have and I have to live with that. 

I live with an ‘I don’t care about the world’ attitude because I don’t want to get hurt by it. I’ve been hurt too many times. I don’t want to feel inferior to people. I hate that people think they can put me down. I hate people making me feel unworthy. 

I hate it because I already feel unworthy. I already feel ‘hated’. I know I’m a terrible friend. I know I am. I know that sometimes, I can’t be there for you like you want me to because I have a different set of morals. I think differently. I think about everyone in the situation. If I think you did something wrong—-in any sense, I’m thinking on the other person’s half too, especially if you’re in the wrong. 

I avoid confrontation because I realize that this happens daily. It’s normal for girls to talk shit about one another and normally, it’s just the frustrations of the day. But knowing people bring up people’s mistakes for the sole purpose of putting me down even though they’ve made mistakes too? That’s not okay. That’s petty and I hate it. It makes me feel unworthy. Like what I’ve done, which isn’t a lot, is so much more terrible than what they’ve done. 

I get it. You don’t really like me. You don’t see me as an equal. That’s okay. I’m a terrible, unworthy person. I’ll try to be just like you. A better human being. One who knows how to comfortable anyone in any situation. One who can feel carefree but still have major responsibilities.

You’re right. I should change into someone who’s carefree and responsible.  I should view things in ways that would be beneficial to the other person alone. I should be insanely girly. I don’t need to enjoy fandoms or cute animal pictures because they’re stupid. 

Thanks for the advice, friends. I understand it now. You want me not to be driven. You want me, not me. You wish to change me and it pisses you off that I haven’t been listening. 

Well, I’m listening now. 

What do you want to change about me?

Filed under Personal drama sucks stressing out changing how I'm honestly seeing this

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…..I don’t even want to understand. I just want to slap everyone in the face.